Squatters Diaries: Day 1

So myself, Dave and Ned moved into our plush new house today. Really nice 4 bedroom house with a couple of cheeky en suit bathrooms. Only thing is, it doesn't even remotely belong to us. It's not even one of our Grannies houses!



Basically, myself and Dave were climbing a tree (as you do) when I noticed some houses which aren't being lived in. I had a little nosey and to my surprise there was a key in one of the doors. Happy days I hear you scream!?

So the first night, we got some modest bin liners and decided to cover the windows as well as barricade the front door. Dave, being the little sex monster that he is, got us the legal documents to tape to the window. They go a little something like this;



'This is now our house, by legal issue of her Royal Majesty, The Queen. You were a fucking pleb for leaving the door unlocked and it's only you to blame. If you come into our house by force or if you assault one of it's residents Physically or Verbally, you shall receive a £5,000 fine or 6 months in the slammer, if depends how much you value your anal virginity!'

So yeah, we have a house. Nice eh? I'm soo glad I climbed that tree. However, this is not a long term thing. We are simply, hiding away during the long nights and doing manly things, like handstands, arm wrestles and trying on each others underwear.

Anyway, the first night was fun. And we did exactly as the above states. I found that Dave, is really good at hand stands and looks equally as good in his underwear. Ned on the other hand, he just looks good naked. It's all about the confidence!





Ned. Don't get me started on Ned. He was sleeping in his own sweat all night. Worried that the landlord was Optimus Prime or something and that he would rape and then kill us. I have never seen him soo on edge.



We couldn't get the Play station 2 to work, that was a pain in my arse. And we are having to keep a bucket of water by the toilet in order to flush our human excrement. We live like kings!

Dave talks in his sleep. Was having a full conversation. I think i heard him mutter 'Yeah man, that's well cooool!' He certainly wasn't talking about his 15inch alloys. Or his old man's suspenders, I know that much.



Dave also had work in the morning, I think he got up at 7.00am? Me and Ned were too scared to stay in the house by ourselves in case a couple of beefcakes came in wielding some floppy Dildo's, so we left as well.

Alas, tonight should be a barrel of laughs. I think we have internet access as we are stealing it from Bill, our neighbour, so you may well see our willies on chat Roulette x