So here we are. We have been evicted from our house and we are left with nothing. Expect for our perfectly comfortable real homes which actually have a far more hygienic place to shit then the walls.
We travelled down last evening to the house only to find a notice on the door that said something along the scribbled lines of this; 'Get the fuck off my land you sponging pieces of shit! If you come back again we will undertake bucket full's of pain! Oh and we have stolen your TV, DVD Player, Play station and all your DVD'S'
COULD NOT BELEIVE IT! THE PIKEYS!
So... Us being who we are, we decided to check out the house again. We found our bedding on a bonfire, fortunately is wasn't lit; so it was re-usable.
They used the same Jewish tactic as us of putting a piece of wood under the door handle to prevent us from entering. Unfortunately, they are decorators so pretty fucking stupid and they didn't realise that the door handle lifts up to open, hence making their device FUCKING USELESS!
They had set and alarm which signalled 'Danger' so we got pretty scared and decided that it was maybe time for us to go home. One night from our mothers is a fair old time and neither of us listened in cookery class.
On the way out we were pretty pissed off and wanted to cause some sort of criminal damage. Dave suggesting smearing our shit on the walls and making some sort of smiley face or the 'Squatter Association' Logo. I thought it was a bit grim, plus i had eaten curry so it would have probably mostly gone down my trousers.
But we came to the mutual agreement of putting the key into the lock, locking the door and kicking the key. So now, those bastards who stole our shit wont only miss a days pay. But they will also have to fix the door, oh, and clear the shit off the walls!
We are getting matching tattoo's showing the 'Squatters' logo as 1, We think that it looks pretty cool. 2, We stayed in a house that wasn't ours which we thought made us look pretty cool. And 3, We are squatters till we die!
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Squatters Diaries: Day 1
So myself, Dave and Ned moved into our plush new house today. Really nice 4 bedroom house with a couple of cheeky en suit bathrooms. Only thing is, it doesn't even remotely belong to us. It's not even one of our Grannies houses!
Basically, myself and Dave were climbing a tree (as you do) when I noticed some houses which aren't being lived in. I had a little nosey and to my surprise there was a key in one of the doors. Happy days I hear you scream!?
So the first night, we got some modest bin liners and decided to cover the windows as well as barricade the front door. Dave, being the little sex monster that he is, got us the legal documents to tape to the window. They go a little something like this;
'This is now our house, by legal issue of her Royal Majesty, The Queen. You were a fucking pleb for leaving the door unlocked and it's only you to blame. If you come into our house by force or if you assault one of it's residents Physically or Verbally, you shall receive a £5,000 fine or 6 months in the slammer, if depends how much you value your anal virginity!'
So yeah, we have a house. Nice eh? I'm soo glad I climbed that tree. However, this is not a long term thing. We are simply, hiding away during the long nights and doing manly things, like handstands, arm wrestles and trying on each others underwear.
Anyway, the first night was fun. And we did exactly as the above states. I found that Dave, is really good at hand stands and looks equally as good in his underwear. Ned on the other hand, he just looks good naked. It's all about the confidence!
Ned. Don't get me started on Ned. He was sleeping in his own sweat all night. Worried that the landlord was Optimus Prime or something and that he would rape and then kill us. I have never seen him soo on edge.
We couldn't get the Play station 2 to work, that was a pain in my arse. And we are having to keep a bucket of water by the toilet in order to flush our human excrement. We live like kings!
Dave talks in his sleep. Was having a full conversation. I think i heard him mutter 'Yeah man, that's well cooool!' He certainly wasn't talking about his 15inch alloys. Or his old man's suspenders, I know that much.
Dave also had work in the morning, I think he got up at 7.00am? Me and Ned were too scared to stay in the house by ourselves in case a couple of beefcakes came in wielding some floppy Dildo's, so we left as well.
Alas, tonight should be a barrel of laughs. I think we have internet access as we are stealing it from Bill, our neighbour, so you may well see our willies on chat Roulette x
Basically, myself and Dave were climbing a tree (as you do) when I noticed some houses which aren't being lived in. I had a little nosey and to my surprise there was a key in one of the doors. Happy days I hear you scream!?
So the first night, we got some modest bin liners and decided to cover the windows as well as barricade the front door. Dave, being the little sex monster that he is, got us the legal documents to tape to the window. They go a little something like this;
'This is now our house, by legal issue of her Royal Majesty, The Queen. You were a fucking pleb for leaving the door unlocked and it's only you to blame. If you come into our house by force or if you assault one of it's residents Physically or Verbally, you shall receive a £5,000 fine or 6 months in the slammer, if depends how much you value your anal virginity!'
So yeah, we have a house. Nice eh? I'm soo glad I climbed that tree. However, this is not a long term thing. We are simply, hiding away during the long nights and doing manly things, like handstands, arm wrestles and trying on each others underwear.
Anyway, the first night was fun. And we did exactly as the above states. I found that Dave, is really good at hand stands and looks equally as good in his underwear. Ned on the other hand, he just looks good naked. It's all about the confidence!
Ned. Don't get me started on Ned. He was sleeping in his own sweat all night. Worried that the landlord was Optimus Prime or something and that he would rape and then kill us. I have never seen him soo on edge.
We couldn't get the Play station 2 to work, that was a pain in my arse. And we are having to keep a bucket of water by the toilet in order to flush our human excrement. We live like kings!
Dave talks in his sleep. Was having a full conversation. I think i heard him mutter 'Yeah man, that's well cooool!' He certainly wasn't talking about his 15inch alloys. Or his old man's suspenders, I know that much.
Dave also had work in the morning, I think he got up at 7.00am? Me and Ned were too scared to stay in the house by ourselves in case a couple of beefcakes came in wielding some floppy Dildo's, so we left as well.
Alas, tonight should be a barrel of laughs. I think we have internet access as we are stealing it from Bill, our neighbour, so you may well see our willies on chat Roulette x
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